New collection of writing! July! Happy!

Hey everyone,

I'm still attempting to write and be as creative as I can with the particular action. It's truly the only thing I see as a skill that I possess. At least it's the closest thing that resembles one. The thing where I see potential for improvement, growth, etc. It helps me center, reflect and coherently express chapters in my life. Because of these reasons, my fascination for it continues, as it has since I was 8 years old. So I will march on with it and invite anyone who wants to look on. My next collection of writing, mostly consisting of poems, yes, the rhyming kind, is coming along great. It will be done early July I think... And it's good I think.
I use the word think a lot, even when I'm sure. Let me finally be bold and certain. This next collection is definitive and bold. I've never been so sure of something than the love that has inspired many of these poems. I've never felt so right about what I'm trying to express. It feels amazing. The words will eventually speak for themselves and you'll see what I mean. But like I said, it's strong and exudes confidence, something I haven't related to in the past.

Until July, check out the others... project-jaime.blogspot.com

.........And Even Then..........

..........

This crazy world rewards the brave.

REVERSE

1. Reverse
2. The Protector
3. Privacy, Please
4. Belated
5. Chasing Shadows
6. In This Day and Age
7. Tristesse
8. The New Me
9. Daylight Savings
10. On Second Thought
11. Breathing Helps
12. Baggage Claim
13. Every Cliche
14. Balloon
15. Please Love Responsibly
16. Less Than a Zero
17. Informercial
18. You Know Who You Are
19. Overnight Stranger
20. Free Spirit
21. Dear John



I forget...I forget why...
I forget why I ever fell in love with you
My addiction to you has been a lifelong phase
She has destroyed too many of my days
'You always wear that stupid cap'
She told me as she started to snap
'Open your eyes and rejoin society'
'All you ever do is cause me anxiety'
Is how I responded as I tried to storm out
Instead I stayed then continued to shout
I said that I'm so much better off without you
She said she resents every single thing I do
From the way I eat down to the way I speak
I started to feel both desensitized and meek
Every time I'm about to exit her life I stumble
Let us watch our once beautiful world crumble

Have you ever told a love story in reverse
Imagine your darkest dreams but far worse
From bottom to top
and you just want it to stop
Once it does you're still cursed
A love story in reverse

Today we are in an indifferent state of mind
as we go through love half heartedly and blind
Too much routine made it hard to see
That we're not as happy as we used to be
It hit me like a punch in the gut
When she suggested we're in a rut
I told her we would get through this
She looked at me and asked to me promise
Then I did
as I softly touched her heavy eye lids
I put on my cap and then she rolled her eyes
I hope to God this love doesn't die

Have you ever told a love story in reverse
Imagine your darkest dreams but far worse
From bottom to top
and you just want it to stop
When it does you're still cursed
A love story in reverse

The feel of your fingertips on my lips
Inside my mind I'm doing backflips
The kisses are sweet whether hard or gentle
I love you because you're so fucking mental
She told me as we pressed our hands against each others
'I never want to know another lover'
You could make me smile in less than a minute
I can't imagine a life without you in it
That cap looks so sexy on you she said'
She's undone tears that I've shed
I forgot about this frigid weather
With you I've found my forever

Have you ever told a love story in reverse
Imagine your darkest dreams but far worse
From bottom to top
and you just want it to stop
When it does you're still cursed
A love story in reverse

ADDITIONAL INFO:
So, early on when I started writing this particular collection of writings, I remembered this idea I had for a poem fo about a year, but never got around to fully thinking it out until now. The idea was about how our brains process thoughts regarding our past, our 'legacy', etc. And in what order we tend to do so. With me, I would think of a past love relationship in this non-linear or chronological order and it confused me. I would start off thinking about the most recent memory I had with that person, meaning the break up and the lead up to the break up that includes all these negative feelings and vibes and hurtful content. Then I back tracked and thought about when things started heading south. That was sort of the numb, indifferent phase where you secretly know things aren't the same and it's going to be hard to get them to a healthier, less predictable, I guess, state. And that was probably the most heartbreaking thing to think about, more so than the actual breakup. That middle part where you know the inevitable. Then I thought back even further to the blossoming of the relationship, the honeymoon phase if you will, where you are under the thought that there's nothing that could go wrong and you are absolutely enamored with that individual. It may be delusional thinking, but boy is it bliss.

I wanted to write something that represented that backwards or REVERSE timeline in an attempt to view a similar topic in a different perspective. And it turned out both funny and unique for me. It's different than a lot of the stuff I've written in the past. It's good though. And the main theme is reliving a love story in reverse and how painful that can be.

People can find inspiration in the strangest places. For me, an episode of Seinfeld inspired me to write Reverse in this way. I'm talking about the backwards episode that begins at the end of the script and works its way to the beginning by the conclusion of the episode. Whether or not you like the show, you must admit that is pure originality and brilliance. I wanted to capture that original idea in a more serious, more personal way and I'm happy with the result. Short, but sweet... That's what she said...



I am my own protector
I can't guess what affects her
I can't change my naivety
Nothing will bring back those days
But I can change the future
I have the power to ease the pain
Things won't go down the same
In my teens when I did everything wrong
Listening to a tape full of "our" songs
I'm older and know what to avoid
So far it's working I feel overjoyed
Things are different this time around
I hear a soothing and peaceful sound
Then as my night fades to black
I helplessly fight the random attack

(No way)
I'm doing it to myself again
(No how)
I'm reliving that bitter end
Though I lack some intellect
I have thin skin that I must protect
But dirty tricks occur that are just cheap
I can't help what happens in my sleep
How cruel and unfair
That my mind runs wild in a nightmare
And all I can do is feel all that is you
Then the hurt starts to feel new

It's rejuvenated
All the things I've hated
The poor execution returns
as I feel the burn
in my chest
Then starts the pity fest
as I awake with tears already in tow
Just started the day and feel at an all time low
I did everything that's been suggested
But because of her impact I keep getting bested
You can only say that you're staying strong
You can only fake a smile for so long
before the sadness that's suppressed
comes out then you feel like a hot mess
Please someone I need to be hypnotized
to save myself from my own demise

(No way)
I'm doing it to myself again
(No how)
I'm reliving that bitter end
Though I lack some intellect
I have thin skin that I must protect
But dirty tricks occur that are just cheap
I can't help what happens in my sleep
How cruel and unfair
That my mind runs wild in a nightmare
And all I can do is feel all that is you
Then the hurt starts to feel new

If I must elaborate then I will
I'm stumbling around
while you're standing still
We chat like we're just two acquaintances
And we're separated by these tall fences
You're moving miles away but in your heart
we're already continents apart
What's worse is that I go through the motions
and pretend that I'm having fun
Was once my only moment of peace
has turned on me

(No way)
I'm doing it to myself again
(No how)
I'm reliving that bitter end
Though I lack some intellect
I have thin skin that I must protect
But dirty tricks occur that are just cheap
I can't help what happens in my sleep
How cruel and unfair
That my mind runs wild in a nightmare
And all I can do is feel all that is you
Then the hurt starts to feel new

ADDITIONAL INFO: Hi. Okay so when I was jotting down a bunch of ideas over the first couple of weeks, I came up with this. I really liked the possibility of having The Protector as a theme for the entire piece. It presented me the opportunity to take it in so many different place in regards to protecting yourself over emotional pain. I guess you can call that suppressing true feelings. So as far as relationships are concerned, it still left many possibilities to write about. Do you protect yourself by staying away from relationships completely because of the pain it could end up costing you? Do you get involved in a relationship, but put up an emotional wall for fear of feeling vulnerable or exposed? I liked the title, and knew how the format should be, but was conflicted because of all these options. Finally, my heart was feeling something a bit more specific and I decided to follow that instinct. And that was to protect yourself when dealing with a break up and how seemingly impossible that can feel these days. With technology, for better or worse, we are all connected in a way like never before. It's incredibly tricky and takes a whole lot of will power to ignore some of the excess of information that's out there. But when you finally do that, and follow all the constructive advice that is given to you to get this person off your mind, you're STILL not out of the clear. With some practice, you can tune out a lot of thoughts that can depress you and make you long for this person But you can't control what you think about when you're asleep! What a low blow, right?
So I decided to make this song about someone that works so valiantly to get this woman out of their head, but when they finally do, discover it's all for nothing because of all these dreams and/or nightmares that occur in his head overnight.

It's interesting because I've heard two completely different opinions on dreams from two people I really respect. One says that their just like junk that's processed through your mind and they mean nothing. The other says that they can have much deeper meaning as we explore thoughts we tend to be too apprehensive to have when we're awake. I side with the latter, unfortunately, because these dreams have done their damned best to destroy my soul. It's rough that the one part of the day that represents rest can be the most difficult. Honestly, I've woken from a couple of these 'dreams' and they've threatened to wreck my whole day and worse, the work I've done to move on. Sucks. But hey, it makes for great writing.

I'm glad I decided to go this direction with "The Protector" because it gave me the opportunity to write about a familiar topic, but present a whole new and creative spin on it. And that's all I could've asked for. Also, the relatable factor will be high for this one. It's done and it's quickly becoming a personal favorite.



I apologize if I've seemed too distant
That's not what I wanted Not what I meant
I know you'll still be there regardless
how much my life seems like a mess
So why do I feel compelled to suppress
and start to act a stranger and cowardice
Our friendship is something I've neglected
I know that everyone wants to be accepted
But I take that idea to an extreme
I have more to say than it may seem
I want to put the same trust in you
that you do for me
Can I have some privacy please
until I feel ready or worthy

I don't mean to sound shrewd
I'm just not in a real good mood
These fears get the better of me
Parts of me I don't want them to see
But maybe deep down inside
I really do

Things get more personal as we grow older
I am more sheltered while others are bolder
I feel like words are placed under a microscope
like anyone is that into what is said by this dope
One false move and self esteem pops like a balloon
I think that I belong up on the moon
In general I give people way too much credit
as if they're privy to answers that I'm not
I see everyone believing in their own pretension
Maybe it's all just a call for attention
There's so much that I want to say
things that I'm sure we have in common
Feelings that we go through every day
What is so terrifying about judgement anyway
I just hate feeling vulnerable and exposed
Giving personal opinions that others will know
So I make mountains of molehills with secrets
But I won't let myself have anymore regrets
I can look in the mirror and like what I see
and realize that I'm more than worthy
And stop asking for Privacy please

I don't mean to sound shrewd
I'm just not in a real good mood
These fears get the better of me
Parts of me I don't want them to see
But maybe deep down inside
I really do

I really do want to knock down these doors
I won't let these fears hinder my life anymore
I want the whole world to see
Get ready for the new me
The New...Me (?)

ADDITIONAL INFO: This particular piece is a perfect example of me attempting to get even more personal and creatively explore an aspect of myself that I may not have even thought about a few years ago. I've always thought of myself as a private person. In high school, when most kids couldn't wait to discuss every little detail of their relationships, sexual ones included, I was very guarded with mine. I looked at those moments as so sacred and to get into it, I felt, would sort of tarnish it or even threaten it. It was a strange fear that if I did indulge, it wouldn't be as special. Looking back at it, maybe it was a form of paranoia: That if I discussed it, my girlfriend at the time would disapprove. Or maybe I would say the wrong thing and not feel like I was being a loyal person. Anyway, that's just one example. Tons more.

This specifically gets into the idea of that metaphoric wall not necessarily a good thing. In my opinion, it's always a good idea to have at least some discretion. But there have been parts of my life where I had taken that idea to an extreme. It just became harder and harder to let people that I love in my world. I was afraid of disapproval, feelings of rejection, etc. When I finally realized that keeping a couple of things private turned into a lot of things, and listening to how these loved ones were telling me so much of their lives, I was really disappointed with myself. And I think friends were too. I got angry at myself because I didn't understand how or why I had gotten that reclusive. I knew that in order to change that aspect of myself, I had to understand it first. And by that I mean fully grasp it. That was difficult, but I came to terms with it. The hard part is eradicating over 20 years of this behavior. It's still early, but I've made nice strides in being a more communicative human being. ANd Privacy, Please represents that start and the realization area. I dedicate this to those that felt shut out of my life. I've probably already said this personally, but just know it's not due to a lack of love. Far from it.



'There's no tomorrow quite like today'
A quote I could've benefitted from
when our relationship began to fray
I guess I'm either that slow or dumb
I never misled you
but you did deserve better
Forgive me It all feels a blur
And all that is left in me is pain
Let me try to explain
Sometimes people meet during
strange times and places
You have one of the most gorgeous faces
But my actions didn't match my talk
I agreed with you/You were my rock
I was just too afraid to admit that fact
Although you typically lacked tact
I was indeed too afraid to live
and just wasn't proactive
Well, at least not enough...

My heart breaks
when admitting my own mistakes
I tried but for all the wrong reasons
To prevent us from becoming undone
And I have plenty of regrets
None of them are that we ever met
I tried to change the things you hated
I'm sorry that my efforts were belated

The quick fix attempt aka the massive fail
I guess I was just too weak and frail
I had some bad luck but that's no excuse
Nor is the fact I have a few loose screws
I'm sorry I didn't prove them wrong for us
It must've felt like waiting for a Brooklyn bus
Just know your frustrations were my own
This is not to say I could've fixed this alone
Lord knows you didn't make things easy
You wouldn't say things that would ease me
I understand now that those insults were out of fear
I forgotten how quickly your feelings could veer
I'm better than all of this I know it in my heart
I wish this lesson didn't cause us to fall apart
But wishing can only get you so far
I'm left wondering who you are

My heart breaks
while admitting my own mistakes
I tried but for all the wrong reasons
To prevent us from becoming undone
And I have plenty of regrets
None of them are that we ever met
I tried to change the things you hated
I'm sorry that my efforts were belated

I do know how to truly love
It's not that I didn't want you enough
These crosses I've bared since I was a child
Dwelling on changing the past turn your mind wild...

My heart breaks
while admitting my own mistakes
I tried but for all the wrong reasons
To prevent us from becoming undone
And I have plenty of regrets
None of them are that we ever met
I tried to change the things you hated
I'm sorry that my efforts were belated

ADDITIONAL INFO: Writing this one was a tough pill to swallow. When you're dealing with a breakup, most of us are upset at the other person for the wrongs we thought we had to endure because of them. You may have the tendency to use that disappointment and translate it into a reality that isn't truly accurate. I'm talking about the reality where you have done no wrong and you've been scorned by this former 'lover's' wrongdoings. Where you're the victim.

I've fallen 'victim' to that idea in the past, and to some degree, will probably continue to do so. But I think I've been through this feeling enough and I've written about the topic long enough to know that there are two sides to each breakup. A relationship includes two people: A very basic sentence but you'd be surprised how many people don't get that. This poem is all about admitting my flaws that may have contributed to our fate. I don't write to bash anyone or make anyone I cared about feel bad. That's never been my intention. Within my writing, I think there are moments of realization, moments of sadness, moments of regrets, moments of disappointment or anger. But it's never out of spite or just done for the sake of being negative. And Belated proves it.
It's about me gaining perspective and realizing that I had lagged in regards to improving certain aspects of my personality that would have made me a better partner in this relationship. And how the efforts were done too late, hence BELATED. It's hard to admit your own mistakes and it focuses on that painful realization. I'm mature enough to state what I've done wrong. After all, most of life really is a learning experience. Unfortunately, I'm a slow learner.

I also get into motives, which is a whole different idea. In philosophy classes, motives were discussed a lot and the question of why a person performs a good deed. Some people think it has to be totally selfless or else it's not truly good. I'm not sure what religion or philosopher states that. My memory is not what it used to be. But I toy with that idea and how you can try to mold yourself into what you think your partner wants you to be, but unless it comes from the heart and it's a natural evolution, it won't work. Changing yourself for someone you love, even if it's for the better, is a tall order. i won't go as far to say it's impossible, but it's difficult. So I admit that my motivation was a bit off.

Again, I don't put the weight of this failed connection on myself alone. i explore all kinds of unfortunate scenarios throughout the project. This one just happens to elaborate on my own failures that I own up to. I don't know if things would have been different had my attempts not been belated or for the wrong reasons. That's a world that I'll never know. I do know that being in a different mind set right now, I can be just a tad bit more impartial than before. Just a little...Not a lot. In any event, it was sad and depressing to think about taking part in ruining something you were so passionate about. But it's done and I'm happy with the results in this particular case.



I'm not gonna lie
Back then I felt such a natural high
I thought I'd never come down
Times were a bit more innocent
But these new days are for the dogs
as this world turns hell bent
Lifetimes have ups and downs rises and falls
Sometimes the worst closure is none at all
Only finding inspiration from my past
Cuz now it seems nothing good lasts
Rather than looking for new passions
to fill those empty walls/They stay dull and white
For that I can't help but feel a bit guilty and contrite
The once infinite possibilities have dwindled
so I look back for some old ideals to rekindle
I start to regress
since your head no longer rests on my chest
But did it ever?
The illusions say never

So much indecision
as I'm slowly pacing
A future alone
Is the reality I'm facing
Your kiss Your touch Your yell
They're all feelings I keep chasing
but these desires are empty and shallow
Which means I'm stuck chasing shadows

Things that are truly unattainable
typically make them more desirable
When you're young that thought doesn't occur
No It was all about how I could convince her
that we could get it to work out
Is someone out there better for me?
I truly have my doubts
Now I'm still left wishing and lamenting
The promising future I'm no longer cementing
It's more fun to unbox than to play
so I've found joy in pleasure delay
That can only get you so far
We've grown to be so bizarre
Phobias are plentiful
I don't want to come out of this lull

So much indecision
as I'm slowly pacing
A future alone
Is the reality I'm facing
Your kiss Your touch Your yell
They're all feelings I keep chasing
but these desires are empty and shallow
Which means I'm stuck chasing shadows

I return right back where I started
But I've grown tired
Of dwelling on why we parted
I'll always wish you gave us a shot
Perhaps I'm just not assertive
I just have to march on and live
You're the one that got away
but I'm ready to stop chasing shadows
and start a brand new day

ADDITIONAL INFO: Chasing Shadows is a tad different from the other poems in this collection in the sense that it doesn't have one specific theme or idea. It's based on a series of topics that by the end of the piece, sort of connect to this main idea of thirsting for things that are in your past. But those things vary. They go from childhood television shows to romances to just ways that you once viewed the world when you were younger. Events may have occurred in your life that unfortunately changes your views on things forever.

Usually I jot down phrases or ideas that sound like they could be interesting titles, without really understanding what each poem will be about. So one of the titles was Chasing Shadows. It just sounded good, a bit profound, maybe pretentious, but still it seemed promising because it allowed me to base it on almost anything. That potential made me circle this from my list. I had originally planned it to just be about a past romance. However, I realized that I had a lot of those written already. Then I found inspiration in something odd: Youtube. Sometime during the Christmas season I started feeling very nostalgic and spent an entire night watching old videos I grew up with. Some were shows, cartoons, commercials. And I realized how different I viewed this content back then, as I should have. So I realized Chasing Shadows would work best with an overall feeling of wanting to be taken back to a more simple frame of mind, and of course, that's impossible. We grow, whether we try to stunt it or not.

To be more specific, I discuss how differently I idealized love relationships when I was younger. How I was excited at the prospects of world seemingly endless possibilities and how I've sometimes felt about it as an adult. I discuss holding on to passions that I had when younger and savoring them a bit more because it feels safe and simple. All that can feel like chasing a time that is behind you. It's pretty good. I thought too many ideas would make it...not good, but that's not the case at all, in my opinion. It's okay to hold on to certain loves, but what I think I learned from writing this and by just living is that maybe we embellish certain parts of our past and if you want, you can feel just as optimistic about the future as you so choose. It's just more challenging because you live more, and of course, get discouraged and disappointed. But resiliency is the key. That is something I'll always try harder to develop.



When you're smiling
whether it's forced or organic
You turn me into a childish fanatic
It lights up any dark room you're in
And any bright star dims in comparison
The world doesn't promote patience these days
It's so fast that special moments are lost in a haze
We crave our gratification constant and quick
Our pre conceived expectations make life anticlimactic
With that being said I only care about one option
and that's the same woman I consider perfection
It may sound shallow but there's so much lust
involved that make having you a must
You're everything I've ever wanted in a partner
before I could put into words who I'd consider ideal
I'll succumb to this fear
As my heart is ready for you to steal

In this day and age
There are far too many distractions
And with you I've learned
there's addition by subtraction
I don't need the temptation of excess
My love for you is something I can profess
I can love you forever
Yes, even in this day and age

I don't care about the recent high rate of divorce
Through the hardships I'm dedicated to staying the course
I'm lucky to have reached this pinnacle at such a young age
Together this cruel world can be our stage
I may have grown up a bit spoiled
but for you I promise to stay true and loyal
My entire life and vision are what I'm willing to share
Never cruel when I reveal embarrassing crosses I bear
I'd be hard pressed to find a partner that's stronger
I want to be with you until I die and then a bit longer
So bring on all the temptations that may come my way
During your darkest days I will vow to stay
A sentiment that is currently unheard of
True love

In this day and age
There are far too many distractions
And with you I've learned
there's addition by subtraction
I don't need the temptation of excess
My love for you is something I can profess
I can love you forever
Yes, even in this day and age

Contemporary ideas mixed with old fashion
Who knows if we're all meant to find the one
All I know is that I did
I feel as happy as a kid
during the holidays
I won't let these moments get lost in a haze

In this day and age
There are far too many distractions
And with you I've learned
there's addition by subtraction
I don't need the temptation of excess
My love for you is something I can profess
I can love you forever
Yes, even in this day and age

ADDITIONAL INFO: Okay so I wanted to write something very light yet profound. I had gotten tired of visiting places so personal and topics so relevant to my current state. So I figured why not just write this love piece that is completely optimistic and positive, almost a defiant type of love and run with it. All you hear these days regarding marriage is cynicism. It's a huge problem. As a society, we can't get hung up on nonsensical ideas like gays don't have the right to get married. That is utter nonsense. If you love someone, you have every right to marry that person. End of story, at least in my world. I can't believe that this late in the game, it's still not a "DUH" answer. Big shame...Anyway, there's a much bigger problem that should be focused on, and that's to have marriages in this day and age, LAST, regardless if it's same sex or opposite. We all have to look in the mirror and ask ourselves why we think these divorce rates are so high. How discouraging and heart breaking to think that you may have less than a 50-50 chance that your marriage will survive. Perhaps we feel like we have more options today. We NEED to feel a certain way ALL the time. We see this person seemingly happy on this social networking site and that TV show. Our perception of reality is skewed. I just looked at the cynical POV, the articles discussing this, and said, "Oh yeah? Well I know society today is different and it's harder to maintain a healthy marriage, but fuck the statistics. I love this woman with all of my heart and I will let this person know it every day until I die."

Now this posed as a challenge initially because I'm probably just as discouraged as the next person. I'm coming off a breakup and see others going through the same at a late stage. I see people just wanting to have fun. I see connection with someone feeling impossible. But I fell in love with this idea of optimism and blind happiness and a total disregard for logic. It make me feel better actually. I thought I'd be sad that I didn't feel that way about someone but that's not what happened, thankfully. I think this defiant attitude is something we can all think about along with the other cynical points of view. I like this one a lot because of the feeling of positivity it brought me when writing and revising it.



There's only one way I know how to be
That's to wear my heart on my sleeve
When you decided to leave
I knew I'd never be the same
I've grown tired of casting blame
The truth is you kept growing to hate me
for the same reasons you fell for me
As if our brains keep getting erased
so we can meet our same fate
Unfortunately I'm left the tortured one
Strange that you once called me hun
Cuz now that seems light years away
There's so much that I have to say
But the words they're out of whack
I bet this is all water down your back
It can't be...It is...Is it...I hope it isn't

But
Why do I try to guess
if I'm missed more or less
What would it matter since
I'm full of complete emptiness
I'd give it all away if I could regress
and have you in my arms again
Instead I'm just left an utter mess
Tristesse

Do I ask these questions out of ego
Doubtful cuz it's been hurt more than I'd like to know
No I considered you a lover and a friend
and I feel our bond suffered an abrupt end
Love isn't enough but it's surely a good start
It's nothing to scoff at before tearing us apart
Lift me up at my lowest point as I'd do for you
That robotic tone on your voice was nothing new
But alarming as you started to pull down the drapes
Sure there's quite a bit of sour grapes
I know all my flaws as you've documented them well
After our fights I'd just sit down and dwell
I remember the disagreements left me feeling sick
Funny that when it's over I start to get all nostalgic
Thinking about our high school dances
I hope I taught you what romance is
Forgive me if I lack the wit
I just lost someone in my world that fit

But
Why do I try to guess
if I'm missed more or less
What would it matter since
I'm full of complete emptiness
I'd give it all away if I could regress
and have you in my arms again
Instead I'm just left an utter mess
Tristesse

People live on after you
Get over it
Yeah, but I don't understand
Get over it
I don't understand how
Get over it
I don't understand how one could
short change their own feelings so easily
They get over it
Easier said than done for some

Why do I try to guess
if I'm missed more or less
What would it matter since
I'm full of complete emptiness
I'd give it all away if I could regress
and have you in my arms again
Instead I'm just left an utter mess
Tristesse

ADDITIONAL INFO: Tristesse?!?! Have I gone French? This is the French word for melancholy. And the way I ended up liking this word for a title was because I was searching the official definition of triste, which means sad in Spanish. And tristesse came up first. Maybe it's because I've hung around with my Brother for so long who adores the French culture, but I thought it would fancy up the whole theme and give it a unique feel. Plus it doesn't hurt that it rhymes with a lot of words. When I started this piece, I had a good idea of where I want to take it: This song serve as a swan-song....ha. Seriously, I want to take the idea of saying goodbye to someone you still deeply care for, include all the conflicting emotions that the memories present you with, and display that in a very sad and melancholy way. Honestly, the goal is to make it as heartbreaking as possible, using words that may not hammer a specific idea home, but a little more interpretive. I've written poems like this before, but this was the most shattering.



I've loved fiercely only to be betrayed
Acted a fool in attempts to get laid
only to get a few friendly pats on the back
Got reamed when asked to be cut some slack
Cracked a joke to be funny
And instead received sighs and dirty looks
Got paper cuts from reading self help books
Had my face turn pale
I tried my hardest and still failed
(Just give out)
The world gives you so many reasons
(But have no doubt)
Just as sure as change of seasons
There's the chance for redemption
Reality is the toughest of all medication
I've finally learned
There's only failure in stagnation

What can you do?
You can sit around and stew
But there's too much beauty to miss
Life is far too precious
Scoff if you'd like but these breaths are gifts
Just look around and you'll feel a lift
Understanding our own mortality
I wish you were still around to see
The new me

These memories of you drive me insane
I wanted to show her that I had half a brain
But I mispronounced lots of big words
Anything useful I've learned is all a blur
I tried to play it cool only to step in shit
Paranoid thoughts,a habit I just can't quit
The thought everyone is thinking low of me
Why'd I have to do so horrific on the SATS
(I should've listened to you)
They don't measure intelligence anyway
(They really do)
Whenever I feel caught in an endless night
Sometimes I must realize I just have to fight
because better days can and will be ahead
Even if I start to feel lost or misled

What can you do?
You can sit around and stew
But there's too much beauty to miss
Life is far too precious
Scoff if you'd like but these breaths are gifts
Just look around and you'll feel a lift
Understanding our own mortality
I wish you were still around to see
The new me

I know I state obvious sentiments
This world with a side of torment
Includes dark places that I tend to frequent
But there's no fix in dwelling
I think my ego is swelling
Cuz of the positive thoughts i've been telling
I'm ready I'm back in the game
The new me, different but the same

What can you do?
You can sit around and stew
But there's too much beauty to miss
Life is far too precious
Scoff if you'd like but these breaths are gifts
Just look around and you'll feel a lift
Understanding our own mortality
I wish you were still around to see
The new me

ADDITIONAL INFO: This was a weird one to write because, initially, the title sounded too pretentious. This idea of being a new and supposedly better version of yourself felt wrong. But it's a title and idea I was intrigued in writing about. It felt like by executing this idea, I would feel reborn or rejuvenated. Given a clean slate. Even though that feels a bit impossible, it was fun to think about. It's also very motivating to understand the flaws you have can be reversed, allowing you to evolve as a human being. This is a tall order that can be done, but takes a lot of pain first. Take the analogy of exercising as an example. Sometimes in order to become a stronger person, you have to break down muscle in order for it to be rebuilt in that stronger form. It's the idea of getting rid of everything you once knew in order to look outside your box and comfort zone. There have been instances where I felt like i was forced to rebuild this muscle. But if you're looking from a therapeutic standpoint, the less you felt like you're left with, the easier it can be to start over and just develop new ideas and a new identity. I'm pretty sure that I'll always be soft spoken. i'll always be a tad timid. I'm alright with that. I'm more than alright with that. This is who I am. But to somewhat alter these personality traits or use them to your advantage opens up possibilities for a whole new you.

So with the poem, I decided to go a route of listing some reasons why life gets you down. It's like "Where's My Sticker" a song I wrote last year because it shows that although you try to do the right thing, you STILL get screwed in the end. My favorite line probably in the whole project is "Got paper cuts from reading self help books." It shows the total disgust or discouragement someone feels when things just aren't working out. But there are lessons learned throughout the words. I realize how short life is and how much beauty can be found in the world if you try hard, sometimes try reaaaalllly hard. It definitely has a positive and uplifting vibe to it.
It also adds some self deprecation comedy which I feel that I'm in my element when writing those kinds of stories in a clever manner. The final product isn't pretentious at all. It's about understanding how precious and short our time on this Earth actually is and despite the aspects of life that drive you mad, it's okay to indulge in that positive attitude and become a new me.



The iron is hot and I'm about to strike
One look into your eyes and it's like...
Ah fuck it
Your beauty can't be described in words
To attempt to do so would be absurd
It's that time of season
I'm happy for no reason
And you're to blame
I can only pray you feel the same
That's not how we're meant to use prayer
You're so inspirational that I don't care
Most times I just run away hide
I say I don't mind which is obviously a lie
But these aren't most times
I'd do it all for you at the drop of a dime
These days you're all I desire
I yawn as my eye lids begin to tire

It won't matter cuz we'll be up 24 hours straight
I've lost all sense of time, both early and late
You erase the darkness and long nights
And expose my soul to more sunlight
Just like daylight savings time
When will we finally fall asleep?
I hope the answer is never
and you're in my life forever

These nights you're all I care about
Won't ever come down/ There's no doubt
I thought love these days was so self involved
Never thought intimacy problems would be solved
But alas I was proven wrong
I've been awake for so long
Delirium is starting to kick in
But I chug along with a couple of aspirin
I dare anyone to try to wipe off this grin
Now I'm getting mocked by friends
They're going to have to try hard to offend
because I feel like I can't be touched
I admit that all this is a little much
And nobody's perfect but you come close
You're the remedy and I'll take an extra dose

It won't matter cuz we'll be up 24 hours straight
I've lost all sense of time, both early and late
You erase the darkness and long nights
And expose my soul to more sunlight
Just like daylight savings time
When will we awake from this dream?
I hope the answer is never
and you're in my life forever

We save ourselves
No one person can do that for us
We must love ourselves
before we can fall in love with others
But with you logic goes out the window
You've saved me
And regardless of how I feel about myself
I adore you

ADDITIONAL INFO: Hey. Although I love to write, I've often found it very difficult to write from a perspective other than my own. Meaning that all of my material has been personal and from the heart. This isn't a bad thing. I love reading honest writing and I love creating it. And all writing has to be inspired by different experiences we've had anyway.

Look at "Rocky". Stallone wrote this amazing screenplay about a boxer who received a one in a million opportunity to prove how talented he was. But there were so many parallels to his own life: An unknown talent who no one believed in yet somehow had the opportunity to star in a small movie in the 70's that become enormous. I mean, that's probably more improbable of a story than the actual movie. But there's an example of great art having been influenced by the creator's life and dangerously close to appearing autobiographical. I'm sure there's a smarter example, but hey, that's mine.

But I digress!

It's just that I keep trying to write at least certain material that doesn't read as autobiographical. It's challenging because my best stuff is from the heart. But I continue to make attempts to write about topics that I'm not feeling at the time.

"Daylight Savings" is that attempt. When I started writing the poem, I wasn't in the mood to write about the highs and euphoric feeling that love brought. I wasn't feeling it at all! I just wanted to do break up pieces because that's what my heart was feeling at the time. And although I really love the way those pieces turned out, I felt the need to challenge my emotions and force myself to write about that love. I believe that truly great and diverse writers can take their own opinions and feelings out of the equation, and out of their work. It was so tough. I tried my hardest to put myself in a place where I could embrace that feeling. I used the metaphor of daylight savings which sort of kept me interested. I hate the time change in the fall. It's always been a dreadful time for me. Trees die. It gets darker earlier. Baseball ends (especially for the Mets). When I was young, school started. Worst of all, it got colder! So since all that is right around the corner and I'm kind of dreading it, that was a good starting point for me: Comparing the feeling that you receive from this loved one to spring time and when the dark nights last a bit shorter. How this person limits those dark times like daylight saving time!! GET IT?!?! The finished product is much better than it sounds. It also includes things like losing track of time because you're just that enamored with this person, and how calendars and alarm clocks are not necessary or relevant with a love that strong. It's very much idealized and less about reality. I'd say it's more about that honeymoon phase and the feeling at its pinnacle.

I must say that I'm glad that I decided to test myself with this, because not only did it come out pretty good, but it was very therapeutic. Rather than just dwelling on one topic, it opened up my thinking and helped me realize that feeling this way again is not impossible. Not by a long shot. And it gave me something to look forward to. Not that I'm rushing the process of love. It happens when it happens and it cannot be forced. But it opened my eyes to the obvious: That there is definitely a silver lining and daylight savings will come once again.



I'm out of the tunnel and moved into the light
As my date shows her stunning pearly whites
I feel nothing less than elated and redeemed
Never think about you and how you broke my self esteem
No I'm done with that/ 100 percent healed
I never wonder if our love was real
When the date talks about her day
That's when I start to think away
The times when my best wasn't enough
How you overly reveled in your love being tough
The way you act like a know it all
You enjoyed making me feel like I'm 3 feet tall
The date exposes her vulernable side
as I start to count how many times you lied

I must have been hit with the happy wand
because I'm easily moving on
You did nothing but drive me insane
Now I'm having dinner with this hot dame
You think I miss all the times we fought?
I never even give you a second thought

But back to that dream of you that made me cry
Break my heart but can't do it as you look in my eyes
The date asks what are my hopes and dreams
You're in every single one of them it seems
Yet she smiles when I'm witty and genuine
Doesn't make me feel like I committed a sin
She orders her food You used to love that dish
Who cares? You were colder than a fish
She tells a funny joke that I just ignore
I'm lamenting about how I'm no longer sore
I love what I see and I just can't stop staring
I'm also stuck comparing...hmm...

I must have been hit with the happy wand
because I'm so easily moving on
You did nothing but drive me insane
Now I'm having dinner with this hot dame
You think I miss all the times we fought?
I never even give you a second thought

But on second thought... you're all I ever think about
If screaming would bring you back I'd shout
until my lungs collapse, disintegrate or rot
Until my ashes are spread across the Shea parking lot
Because moving on feels so impossible to me
I have a better chance of healing the economy
This date is amazing but I'm just not ready
It looks like this pain will be slow and steady
I wish I could believe you were Lucifer
I wish I could forget about you and love her
But what we had was special and that you can't deny
I'm tortured that you're so happy with that new guy
Why can't it be that easy for me as well
Why can I feel more than just swell
I lie to myself and say I'll be better off for it in the end
I'm destined to meet no lovers but plenty of friends

I must have been hit with the happy wand
because I'm so slowly moving on
You did nothing but drive me insane
Now I'm having dinner with this hot dame
You think I miss all the times we fought?
I hate that I give you a second thought


ADDITIONAL INFO: As I probably mentioned before, I'm always trying to find new and creative ways to write about the same topics I have in the past. I'm assuming that a lot of real professional writers perform a similar practice. This just broadens the possibilities of how you can express these thoughts. "On Second Thought" is funny, sad and is familiar ground. I really enjoyed doing this one. I basically took the common topic of the supposed rebounding phase that a person may encounter after a breakup. It's something I've done in the past, some comedically and some were a bit more dramatic. I wanted to tell a story during this poem. I mean, they all tell stories in some form. But I wanted it to read like a short story with rhyming elements involved. I attempted this style about 2 years ago and have fallen in love with it since. I think it just helps me think about different elements I wouldn't otherwise, like dialogue which I always love to write (but seemingly rarely like to partake in) setting, mood...That's it. It helps set the mood. And I think the reader recognizes that mood and can immediately relate to the experience. Those seem to be people's favorites.

This starts with a guy who's on a date with this interesting and sweet person. It's all really inner dialogue and his reactions to what's going on in front of him. On the outside, he's very polite and outgoing. However, inside he's very smug, defiant, almost angry. Most importantly, in denial. Rather than enjoying the moment and this person's company, he stews in his head and tries to prove to, I guess, himself that he's gracefully moved on from this past relationship. He compares women and has this "see, I told you so," mentality. The funny thing is that he doesn't see how self destructive this train of thought is. And that's because he's too involved in these feelings. As a reader who is outside the box, you see how evident it is. In one part, he says, "I don't give you a second thought," but right after that, he gives that person more and more thought. This self contradiction was very funny to create and watch unfold. The end of the piece serves as the revelation and that is quite sad, but very healthy.

I mean, discussing these things are tricky because I'm such a guarded person. But by writing about these topics, people may make the connection and assumption that this is exactly what I'm going through. I'm usually hesitant to admit that stuff and say that it's sort of objective or just about an idea I had. And sometimes that's very truth. But you know what? I'm going to do something different this time. This is absolutely about myself and personal experience. Some of it is embellished and certain aspects are added, but the feeling is directly from my heart with this one. There you go! Felt good. I've been thinking a lot about this. The idea that all the situations I am seemingly so afraid of are the same ones that I sometimes voluntarily put myself in. It was like that in college. And it's like that in my creative ventures. Ironic how that works. And I think that's one of the many struggles I face: Trying to coincide that fear with the excitement that I have deep inside for those same things... I don't know.




It's just another day
I've lived many of these before
Recreation feels more like a chore
But I've got it handled now I'll be okay
What are you talking about?
You'll never overcome your self doubt
Anxiety since you can remember is a tad tough to rid
Those who get to know you will leave like she did
That's just a bunch of irrational thought
Amazing things happen when I've just fought
Sure there are moments I consider worrisome
But I'm proud of all the obstacles I've overcome
Getting out of the house isn't an accomplishment
Nor is working hourly and making just a few cents
Your parade is sad and lonely and I'm the rain
A decade later and the same broad inflicts the pain
How's it feel?
Those thoughts aren't rational or real
They're as genuine as you'll ever hear
And the reality is I'm the only one who can see
This voice will always be around Lucky for you
Yeah, lucky for me

With you, the laughs hurt a little harder
Fall apart easier with the absence of her
To you, words are like grenades
You carry pain back from the 3rd grade
Your life's a waste like a sacrifice bunt
Cuz this world is just one big...
STOP!
Breathing helps...

put all the negativity to rest
creates normal activity in the chest
it sounds basic but it is true
I'm at ease and have gotten rid of you
Will you find love once again?
Of course not I'm your only honest friend
It could be experience It could be genetics
Either way it's sliced you are gonna feel sick
Sure things could be better people could be nicer
I could be a little faster but I'm a slow riser
As long as I get there it won't matter when
I'm not as weak as I was back then
That's actually the first accurate thing you've said
You're even slower and weaker in the head
Not to mention pathetic when situations are dire
you're in the bathroom blasting Hearts On Fire
In my defense that's my 'go to' song
You wither away when it comes authority
Anything good to say about me?
Yeah, deep down you know I'm right
and this voice is actually you at night

With you the laughs hurt a little harder
Fall apart easier with the absence of her
To you words are like grenades
You carry pain from the 3rd grade
Life's a waste like a sacrifice bunt
This world is just one big...
STOP!
Breathing helps...

I think we all have inner voices of self deprecation
We battle through those to get to moments of sensation
Things rarely go as planned
In order to get to that promise land
Just breath Just breath
and fail

With me the laughs hurt a little harder
Fall apart easier with the absence of her
To me words are like grenades
I carry pain from the 3rd grade
Life's a waste like a sacrifice bunt
This world is just one big...
STOP!
Breathing helps...

ADDITIONAL INFO: The idea behind Breathing Helps was taken from this very old and often used scene typically in cartoons, and I'm talking about when a character is mulling over a huge decision and over its right shoulder is floating a little angel version of the character that basically encourages him/her to do the right thing or just to soothe him/her. Then on the left a little devil version just saying all these nasty things and being antagonistic. It's a very comedic idea that has probably grown a bit tired over the decades. It's that inner battle that we all go through that I wanted to display on a personal level. In the poem, I get into my own battle of the nerves. Every two lines, the tone changes from positive to negative thoughts. It starts with me calming myself down before what is to be an unknown important event (it could be a date, an interview, I don't specify). I say that I'm okay. I'm confident, even if recreation feels like a chore, as I write. But then the other two lines are just the negative, self deprecating side and I got so discouraged just writing it. It continues to be a see saw battle and during the chorus, it's totally dominated by these hurtful insults. And as these depressing quotes are about to reach the pinnacle, it's just brought down to the basic idea of breathing and how it helps stop this downward spiral of you being your own worst enemy. This continues while using some humor and finally by the end, my desire to do good for myself outweighs all these thoughts.

I think I did an alright job describing these racing thoughts some insecure people can have and putting them on paper. It happens much faster in reality. I think realizing the difference between rational and irrational thoughts/fears is so very important. And I know I'm a nervous person, but I think everyone with a pulse can relate to this on some degree. We all have doubts and moods and struggle with gaining true perspective. I think once you reach that moment of perspective, then you reach a certain clarity that does allow one to take a step back, relax and conquer this issue or moment. Breathing really does help.



With the things you've said
All that I see is a sea of red
From the flags that you've thrown
To prove we're not meant to be
But that's not going to faze me
Cuz I could put my hand on the hot stove
countless times and do it all over again
I sit here alone as I listen to "Bookends"
savoring the sweet scent left on your clothes
I miss every molecule that creates you
even the aspects I pretended to loathe
There's that chance you can ruin my day
It would be a small price to pay
For you I'll put my nerve's health on the back burner
I've never been mistaken for a fast learner
I could be wrong I could be off base
That's a risk which I'm willing to face

Some call it hopelessly romantic
Others say it's mentally sick
However it's coined I'm glad your by my side
Grab my arm and I swear I'll be your guide
Your problems include everything but the kitchen sink
But I have it together less than you already think
You declare that you're insane
But know I'll wait at the baggage claim
for you/for you/for you/for you
at baggage claim
for you/for your/for you/for you
at baggage claim

You say that we have lots of baggage
But there's no issue that we can't manage
You're often fickle and afraid of commitment
One look at your face
And I know you're someone I could never resent
I put my patience to the test
There are bags under my eyes from lack of rest
Trying to figure out a way how to coexist
Lately everyone's given up on me even my therapist
As long as you stick around
I'll never mind feeling drowned
For true love to work you must go the extra mile
A lesson I learned which took a while
It's better late than never
especially if that means we'll last forever

Some call it hopelessly romantic
Others say it's mentally sick
However it's coined I'm glad your by my side
Grab my arm and I swear I'll be your guide
Your problems include everything but the kitchen sink
But I have it together less than you already think
You declare that you're insane
But know I'll wait at the baggage claim
for you/for you/for you/for you
at baggage claim
for you/for your/for you/for you
at baggage claim

Through the hardships
I can't stop but smile and laugh
As this is a good problem to have
I'll gladly put your problems on our shoulders
A life without you in it/ There's nothing colder

Some call it hopelessly romantic
Others say it's mentally sick
However it's coined I'm glad your by my side
Grab my arm and I swear I'll be your guide
Your problems include everything but the kitchen sink
But I have it together less than you already think
You declare that you're insane
But know I'll wait at the baggage claim
for you/for you/for you/for you
at baggage claim
for you/for your/for you/for you
at baggage claim

ADDITIONAL INFO: I'd say for the last 4 years, when I would write about love, whether that be in stories, poems or songs, they would become a bit more realistic, a bit more of a 'strings attached' mentality. That's a vast difference than the material I'd written back in high school. It's truly remarkable how our opinions can change. Only they don't truly change. I'd say they evolve based on our experiences. We can still be hopeless romantics while at the same time be annoyed at that idea. And that goes for professional decisions, other passions, etc.

For me, I've always tried to avoid the pitfalls of just writing about the dark and negative sides of love. That's a jaded point of view that I try to steer clear of on a daily basis. It's a one sided, invalid perspective of love and it's not doing the feeling justice. To hate the idea of love relationships so much would basically be to secretly admit how much you want to love the idea and how much power it has over you.

So in order to avoid the jaded pieces, I've often displayed the idea that love is so hard and infuriating and frightening, but those are also the same reasons why it's so beautiful. It's why you feel euphoric and it's why most experience great highs and terrible lows. I've tried to be aware of that idea when writing. It's hard to get two people on the same page, but once it happens, oh man... Different ways to display that is by brining in comedic elements to pinpoint the hard times. That sort of makes the reader chuckle, but at the same time they can relate to the feeling or hardships. Then I sometimes list the reasons why you love this person. I've used specific examples like smells, laughs, memories, kisses, whatever and those romantic elements become the forefront of the piece, while the comedic ideas of someone driving you nuts are the backbone of the piece. I've become stubborn about mentioning the good and bad. It's worked well but I am looking to branch out and at least sometimes, go back to pure and simple love writings that don't list the reasons why it could be hard or bad and just concentrates on the good. My past experiences have affected that style I had years ago. But I did one the other day called "You Know Who You Are" which I'll discuss later.

However, "Baggage Claim" is one of my recent typical pieces about the hardships and greatness of love. Its about how two people have so many personal issues (baggage) but still manage to come together, put that aside, and attempt this daunting journey that is a future together. It's one of the bravest things we could do besides becoming a parent, and it's also one of the hardest. We're all so different as people, no matter if we wear the same clothes, like the same food, etc. We've all seen different things growing up and process that differently. To pigeonhole people to just stereotypes is simple and settling, but probably not reality. So the difficulty of mixing issues and living together is intense. Sometimes beauty ensues, others it can become toxic. This is the anthem that we're going to overcome or problems. And I tried to use the idea of baggage claim in an airport as a metaphor and there are some funny things in there. Hope you like it! Unfortunately, November is quickly coming upon us. I've been writing at a faster and more efficient pace than I've ever experienced before.



What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
except love has already killed me
and time apart just grew a black hole
You always hear they're cliches for a reason
Because they can apply to anyone
Dealing with your absence
has become as common as breathing
I used to fight back with threats of leaving
Threats you knew were as empty
as my current days
I would've loved for you to stay

There are plenty of fish in the sea
It wasn't meant to be
It's going to take every cliche
to start a new day
Time heals a broken heart
We just drifted apart
It's gonna take every cliche
for things to be okay
again

It's gonna take every cliche
to get out of my own way
because I feel like a broken man
Although I may appear clueless
I swear you were part of the plan
But, of course I digress
Because it's said and done
The loneliness number is one
You've said bye 50 times before
Every single time my heart hit the floor
A comfortable pain that never gets old
The worst part of it all
How I could love a heart so ice cold

There are plenty of fish in the sea
It wasn't meant to be
It's going to take every cliche
to start a new day
Time heals a broken heart
We just drifted apart
It's gonna take every cliche
for things to be okay
again

The similarities made my face turn pale
You would call that an epic fail
Treated us like a sleazy couple
who had one night in a cheap motel
I'll continue to live in this hell

There are plenty of fish in the sea
It wasn't meant to be
It's going to take every cliche
to start a new day
Time heals a broken heart
We just drifted apart
It's gonna take every cliche
for things to be okay
again

ADDITIONAL INFO: I've been fortunate enough to have a lot supportive and logical advice thrown my way during moments of sadness. i can't stress enough how important it is to have these type of people around you. Whether it's family, friends or just acquaintances that you've rarely talked to. That positive energy is dire during depressing times.

Now initially, you won't be all that receptive to some of the advice that's thrown your way. You'll hear a lot of things you won't want to hear. A lot of cliches. Although a lot of them make sense and in the back of your mind, you realize that, your heart is too wounded to properly process and ponder that information. At least that's me. I shouldn't assume that everybody deals with situations the same. Maybe others are just really logical and things like cliches and horoscopes comfort them. Who knows? But I have a feeling I'm not alone in this boat. We don't want to hear time heals all wounds or it wasn't meant to be. It makes me want to scream at the beginning. I just wanted to say, "I'm not a child. I've been through this before and I know how dreadful a feeling this is". But when these people tell you these cliches, seeds are planted. And I feel that even though I didn't want to hear those words at first, I slowly realized they had a point. They weren't just being lazy or inconsiderate or misunderstanding. These cliches are cliches for a reason. These feelings are much bigger than myself. Philosophy, emotion, love, break ups, they have gone on since the beginning of time and will continue when I'm long gone. There's nothing I've been through that someone else haven't. Those ideas don't make me feel insignificant. They're inspirational and refreshing to me. It's a way of finding perspective for me. I think that's something we all struggle with. But we come back to reality one way or another. And for me, understanding these cliches in time was my way of doing so. Taking my head out of my ass so to speak.

Every Cliche isn't just a list of cliches that rhyme. I mean, it's partly that but it's also discusses the feelings I just mentioned. It's in a much shorter, more compact, HOPEFULLY more creative way.



To quote Heath's Joker
"I'm like a dog chasing a car
If I got there I wouldn't know what to do"
These are feelings I think I always knew
When I finally reach that illusive acceptance
I feel unworthy and start to second guess
Embarrassed when hearing compliments
Wondering if I deserved that sentiment
At first I wanted it but now I'm not so sure
Be careful what you wish for
And if I hate criticism too where's the joy
Where's the self peace that I must find
Oh i just wish I could turn off the mind
There's a difference between being humble
and having positivity make you stumble
Maybe I just don't love extra attention
Welcome to my world of fun

I guess I spoke too soon
About as fragile as a balloon
Don't hug me too tight or I'll pop
Though I asked for it I'll want it to stop
Don't let me fly too high
or I'll get lost in the sky

So where's the incentive
You must accept yourself to truly live
Yet I decide to torture myself instead
In need of a transplant of the head
I'm bold enough to let people see
yet responses are cringe inducing to me
Over analyzation that makes you yell oh brother
Maybe it's cuz I'm sometimes too critical of others
Insecurity has taken me down a hard path
I wish I excelled at practicality like math
I think I've always just longed to be melo
How'd I become such a nervous fellow?
Nerves of a weak man can make you sick
That's it! I'm done being such a cynic
There are enough of those to go around
I'm in my own skin whether I go up or down

I guess I spoke too soon
About as fragile as a balloon
Don't hug me too tight or I'll pop
Though I asked for it I'll want it to stop
Don't let me fly too high
or I'll get lost in the sky

Questioning my self worth
seemingly since birth
You can't buy or fake confidence
But I will show myself I can be resilient
I understand all the reasons you quit
You have every right
But someone will love me for all of it

I guess I spoke too soon
As fragile as a balloon
Don't hug me too tight or I'll pop
Though I asked for it I'll want it to stop
Don't let me fly too high
or I'll get lost in the sky

ADDITIONAL INFO: It's amazing how much of our childhood we take with us as we grow and supposedly mature. Sure, we evolve. We form opinions on important topics which we couldn't fully comprehend as children like religion, war, love, etc. And our future experiences shape us as humans. But in the end, at our very core, we carry so many characteristics from when we were children. I'm talking about basic thoughts that we're not even realizing we're doing at the time. Perhaps that's just genetics that is following us. I won't get into the science of that because frankly I'm just not smart enough. But it is entertaining thought. Anyway, to be more specific, I guess I'm implying that our initial reactions to certain moments will likely resemble our reactions as children, whether that means you were an angry child, a calmer type child or a sensitive child.

I've come to the conclusion that this holds true with me. I'm a very sensitive person. And I say that to myself and it's an obvious duh type of moment. But I like to explore that feeling and go deeper. I ask myself questions like when did feeling sensitive start. What was my first memory of sensitivity? (I wrote about that in Where's My Sticker collection last year. The answer is Kindergarten) Will I forever be this way? Is there anything wrong with that? So it's definitely overwhelming to really observe trends and what's more overwhelming is attempting to break those trends that have been cemented by time. In Balloon I explored a specific side to my sensitivity, which is how I respond to positive feedback and compliments and how I decide to process it in my head. This is personal, but sometimes I just don't feel worthy of certain kind words. Maybe because it's a bit rare, and I'm hard on myself in my own way (unfortunately not a motivation way) but sometimes compliments can make me cringe. It's weird because I work hard certain times for approval and crave that level of acceptance so badly, you would think I'd feel accomplished. I have the guts to put my creativity out there so why do I squirm when it's being received a certain way? For lack of a better word, it sucks. And obviously negative feedback makes me feel bad too. Catch 22...

So this one discusses that idea. It doesn't really give answers. But it just goes in to detail of how/when these feelings occur and I compare my ego to something as fragile as a balloon and how if you squeeze it too tight, it will pop and if it goes too high, it'll disappear. It's one of the best uses of metaphor I've used in a bit. The rhyming works well too here. At least I can sort of give myself compliments.

This was a gratifying piece to write about because I've never explored the feeling before when writing. It is the more vulnerable writings but hopefully that's why it can work.



Disingenuous
That's how I'd describe dating these days
The things people make up just to get laid
I know we all want to be accepted
so afraid of being rejected
But is it worth it to sell your soul
even if your heart has tons of holes
Society pushes you in that direction
Making you feel the need for affection
at the expense of what you really need
It's been hard to show some resistance
Describe yourself in one sentence
That's not how we're meant to meet
but everyone's attached to a mobile device
as they walk down the street
A walk in the park would be nice
But falling for just the feeling
would soon have you reeling
Before you know it
You don't enjoy the person at all
There's no shame in taking time alone

Sure it feels great /Sure it feels bliss
But reality is what you'll miss
Love can't be forced/Love can't be quick
If it is then it will make you sick
That's not the way it's supposed to be
Please fall in love responsibly

Falling in love in the 21st century
It ain't easy
Expectations/They make me queasy
Honeymoon phases not meant to last
Not learning from the past
just to go on to the next one
Although at first can be fun
You're wasting time in the long run
People's feelings are not toys
No one these days plays coy
Kids don't know the meaning of slow
Adults have too many options
to know what to do or where to go
Love and adore/Words used too loosely
I've apologized profusely
until I realized that it's not me
but her unknown insecurities
We were just an idea not thought through
I feel like a complete and utter fool
but I won't rush and make someone else
feel the same
Broken heart/A disease that spreads fast
Rot the heart and brain

Sure it feels great /Sure it feels bliss
But reality is what you'll miss
Love can't be forced/Love can't be quick
If it is then it will make you sick
That's not the way it's supposed to be
Please fall in love responsibly

Disingenuous
that's what I'd call dating these days
Frustrating
in every conceivable way
We need to let go
because holding tighter
is just like chasing shadows...

ADDITIONAL INFO: Please Love Responsibly is not really uplifting. But I wouldn't call it sad. I think it presents a jaded point of view on modern dating. Although we're all victims to this new approach of speed dating, or dating that sort of feels like speed dating, I think adults our age are sick and tired of this approach. I start out the poem with the word disingenuous and I probably could've ended it right there. I mean, we do have more ways of communicating than ever before, yet we say less and less. Despite the fact that I love technology and that I'm generally shy, there is something to be said about meeting someone in a 'traditional' format. And even when we do meet in that way, it just seems like there are too many distractions to truly enjoy that person's company. I will continue to fall victim to these ideas. I'll meet a woman through the internet again one day. I'll look at my phone. I'll spend too much energy on social networking sites. It's hard to escape. But for one night, I just said enough and shared my frustration with our short attention spans for each other. You shouldn't treat other people's feelings like you make a wish list on Amazon. These are people's feelings you have to keep in mind. We're individuals and if we're looking for a meaningful attraction, whether that's emotional or just lust, we have to be more responsible with how we treat one another. That goes for me and a lot of others. It's hard because these technologies are new and we're still learning how to juggle them in our actual lives. But it's some food for thought. It deals with all that.



The queen proudly wears her crown
as she stares up to the sky
Want to say hi but I'm way too shy
Fear is the emotion I'm fighting
Yet it's also what makes this so exciting
I can't wait to feel her tough love
as she removes the kid gloves
Inferiority complex/Self esteem issues
After she speaks I'm gonna need a tissue
Her eyes lock onto mine
I feel chills run down my spine
As I tell her a little what I'm about
She laughs then quickly shouts
Then from her pedestal, she...
She is about to give it to me

She said
If things remain status quo
You're gonna be less than a zero
Less than a zero
But that's okay
It's not everyday
I'm exposed to this kind of treatment
Please don't feel compelled to relent
You can yell at me when you'd like
If the mood ever strikes

The tip of her cigarette is lit
She crosses her legs when she sits
Something about her is oh so erotic
Maybe it's that she notices I'm neurotic
The fact she's not wearing underwear
or her perfect straight black hair
Any way it's put she's a treasure
With her comes pain but strange pleasure
In listening to her words of deprecation
It starts to become dangerous medication
When she rests her hands on those hips
All I want to do is kiss her pouty lips
Forgive me for sound off base
But I don't love you I just love this chase

She said
If things remain status quo
You're gonna be less than a zero
Less than a zero
But that's okay
It's not everyday
I'm exposed to this kind of treatment
Please don't feel compelled to relent
You can yell at me when you'd like
If the mood ever strikes

Oh please don't go away
Better yet pretend to but still stay
Looking up at the world's sexiest legs
Oh if I must you know I'll beg
She prefaces her responses
by calling me darling
It all keeps me going

She said
If things remain status quo
You're gonna be less than a zero
Less than a zero
But that's okay
It's not everyday
I'm exposed to this kind of treatment
Please don't feel compelled to relent
You can yell at me when you'd like
If the mood ever strikes

ADDITIONAL INFO: This is probably one of the darker, more vague pieces of writing within the entire project. Even in retrospect, I don't really know how to accurately explain it. The title was said to me by an older woman who runs her own small business and she was describing my possible future. I'm dead serious. I won't go into how I got into this situation but the person was loose with her words (IE drunk) and I was certainly taken aback by her crass, and inaccurate assessment. Being the sensitive man that I am, I let it eat away at me for a few days. I'm definitely a dweller, which is one of the worst habits you can have. I'm not saying that forgetting things that bother you is the right way to go, but just over analyzing can probably take years out of your life. I knew immediately that once I started writing these poems and songs, I would include this phrase somehow. Rather than just recounting the event which I've done enough in my head, I just took the idea of rejection and wrote about why it makes people so intimidated. I went deeper and thought about the possibility of these nerves and feeling so insecure about your status in someone else's mind resulting in excitement. It's weird to think that but there's truth to it. It goes back to those old saying where truly good things are rarely easy. So that fear sort of stirs positive emotions, similar to stress. They can produce motivation, drive, ambition, and a certain fight that gets in you when your back is against the wall. To simply put it, you get hungry. That's probably the best way I can describe this piece. Somehow it also got into this sexually suggestive piece where a guy is craving for this girl's attention and she's not having it. This just makes the guy desire her even more. And that's a common thread we all have. That chase... It's different because it doesn't idealize anything, but in the end, I'm happy with how it turned out. And I still dwell on that line...



I hear and see you gloat
while there's a lump in my throat
It's not your fault that I'm so nostalgic
or the air I breathe today tastes so thick
But the false sense of loyalty I was fed
It was indeed your fault that I was misled
I knew it was too good to be true
I'm very good when it comes to knowing you
But there's an accusation I'd like to present
and that is you being guilty of false advertisement
Hard times that we'd help see each other through
Things said that you didn't really mean or do
'I want to be there for you and that's my vow'
'A week isn't that far away from now'
Giving me more reasons to make you an enemy
than to allow me to marvel at your beauty
I'll never be mistaken for being bold
But your promises make a Snuggie look like gold
At least it doesn't pretend to be something it's not
In my heart there's obviously still a damaged spot

Like an informercial
There's so much promise
Yet one's left underwhelmed
due to the product's ineffectiveness
You said we'd work through it
I suppose it's easier to just quit
These things looked great at first glance
But reality killed the romance

I think I'm in a self pity mode
You've broken up with me using every medium
But there's always room for morse code
Opinions from your friends hurt me no question
On the surface things are dandy I'm having fun
So they think they can just judge and laugh
I hope they never feel the inner turmoil I have
and if so that more empathy can be shown
Our problems are unique and unknown
To assume makes an ass of you and you alone
At the end of the day I'm left with these barriers
and I can walk on with effort and pride
I thought you would be there by my side
I sometimes regret the decision to confide
Perhaps it led to our demise
Like you I should have put on a disguise
Your love had more strings attached

Like an informercial
There's so much promise
Yet one's left underwhelmed
due to the product's ineffectiveness
You said we'd work through it
I suppose it's easier to just quit
These things looked great at first glance
But reality killed the romance

You're as humble as lyrics on a hip hop song

ADDITIONAL INFO: Ever since I was a kid, I've always had a fascination with these late night commercials. I never had the best sleeping hours. So during the summers and weekends, I would watch TV late enough to see some of these informercials and I loved a lot of the products too. I was too naive to realize they were never as great as advertised. The one I remember now is an informercial for Better Blocks, then Bigger Better Blocks, then Glow in The Dark Better Blocks. "Better Blocks MOVE!" I never got them nor expressed interest to my mom but I always wanted them. They were having so much fun. Over the years, lots have changed in terms of media. Despite these revolutions, informercials remain and are still very influential/relevant. Don't believe me? Look no further than the Sham Wow who has made the salesman famous, and the Snuggie. Both useless products but immensely popular.

I like metaphors when writing these poems/songs, sometimes to a fault. So I'm always looking for light but relevant ideas and compare it to something personal and profound to me. I compare a love gone sour to a bad product from an informercial: Looks great at first and is slickly advertised.You know that it's all probably bogus and ineffective but you are fooled to believing otherwise. Perhaps deep down inside, we're dying to be fooled. It's what we crave. Then we're disappointed because the love doesn't work out. This is basically the aftermath of feeling bamboozled. And it's a bit of sour grapes and being a bit whiney. But that's the nature of being dealt this hand. I think everyone needs a little time to vent and feel like the victim before we can be a tad more objective and start realizing that we make mistakes too. Sometimes, you'll always resent certain actions. I regret not getting deeper with this idea of 'wanting to be fooled'. Oh well. It's still a pretty good and fun piece.



Dear you know who you are,

I missed you so much
please let's never lose touch
At least not again
Been thinking about you
Admittedly more than a friend
I swear my mind isn't in the gutter
but it is full of romantic clutter
I've been fancying you quite a bit
and have called you the free spirit
Whether you're spontaneous or not
doesn't really matter
You seem to be the unreachable
and I'm near the top of the ladder
I just can't get over that final hump
Road to love has its fair share of bumps
But if we were green lit, we wouldn't be a flop
I promise, Please help us reach the top

You know who you are
cuz you do it to me every time
Make me hope against hope
only to find out the stars won't align
I don't want rationality or logic
After all thinking just makes one sick
I hope you feel the same way
You take my breath away

If loving you requires me to love myself first
I'd adore myself so fast my head would burst
You inspire me in a way
I only could feel in my old days
Before I became this jaded mess
There's some feelings I must address
You think you're not worthy of this praise
That this feeling is all just a phase
This feeling will never get dated
Through it all you make me feel rejuvenated
And I know that to some degree
You feel something for me
No matter when No matter what
You've always hit all the right spots

You know who you are
cuz you do it to me every time
Make me hope against hope
only to find out the stars won't align
I don't want rationality or logic
After all thinking just makes one sick
I hope you feel the same way
You take my breath away

Normally I'd say it's bad to rush
But I have a heavy crush
I just can't quit the incredible
free spirit...

ADDITIONAL INFO: ???



I just walked by an overnight stranger
and a part of me felt like a fool
I thought I followed all the rules
We shared our hopes and dreams
Were never as close as we seemed
We loved and hated together
Then ended our promising forever
I know things could've ended up messy
Bu how can you forget it all so seamlessly
and find comfort in a shallow horoscope
That makes me the world's biggest dope
Gone but these memories are so haunting
Life seems that much more daunting
You learn something new every day
I hate myself for missing you in every way

First you see her
Then you don't
Where did she go?
Nobody knows
Now I feel so exposed
The lifespan of a cat but you've used all nine
Thought I'd move on fast
That the pain would be benign
And it's anything but
I'm forever stuck in this ongoing rut
Nice to know you/ Wait who are you

I just thought about my overnight stranger
And I guess I'll take it as a compliment
That after all the years we've spent
You can't give me a proper farewell
Feels like living between heaven and hell
I guess they call that purgatory
I swear to you that I was almost there
That I was getting ready
But I lie and say that it's your loss
The Billy Martin to your "Boss"
After a long emotional decade
Your presence will not soon fade
But I leave saying I was always honest
Something small to hang my hat on
as I continue my self pity fest

First you see her
Then you don't
Where did she go?
Nobody knows
Now I feel so exposed
The lifespan of a cat but you've used all nine
Thought I'd move on fast
That the pain would be benign
And it's anything but
I'm forever stuck in this ongoing rut
Nice to know you/ Wait who are you

You called me your best friend
and that was just days ago
Left with reinvention and laying low
Why did you do it the same way?
I don't think I'll ever understand
You've drawn my line in the sand

First you see her
Then you don't
Where did she go?
Nobody knows
Now I feel so exposed
The lifespan of a cat but you've used all nine
Thought I'd move on fast
That the pain would be benign
And it's anything but
I'm forever stuck in this ongoing rut
Nice to know you/ Wait who are you

ADDITIONAL INFO: I think the scariest part of a breakup for me, more so than the fear of being alone, is that I tend to put so much faith and trust and importance in that one person, that afterwards, essentially that person becomes a stranger. It really is earth shattering. All the analogies of physical pain I think can apply. Like a punch in the gut. That feeling of quickly losing your breath. Awful. And part of that pain is because you're parting ways with someone you loved. Honestly, as I got older, I thought I'd feel relief rather than all those symptoms. Heart break doesn't care about age. It spans as long as you live. There's no real way a true break up can occur without an end of contact. And it's cold, but no there's no other way for that to work. That's the nature of it. So this is about that feeling of looking at a picture of the person you let enter your soul and realize you're looking at someone you're no longer allowed to connect with. It's terrifying and one of the reasons I would caution younger people from entering such a passionate love. It can be very dangerous and volatile. ANd if you do get in a serious relationship, keep in mind that this fear can be one of the down sides. Not that walking with caution will make the fall hurt less. That's another very recent lesson I learned. But it's important to be aware.



You're absolutely insane
And I mean that in a positive way
I have you and only you on the brain
I'm talking about 18 hours out of the day
You've taken my mind and blown it
An emotion that I don't intend to quit
You look so perfect in that dress
making my stomach an utter mess
You're not particularly organized
but always wanting to socialize
You're not afraid of living in the now
I'd make you mind if that were allowed
Usually not my cup of tea
but you'd drop me on my right knee
I could see myself doing that for you
Opposites do attract/ who knew

Here are some facts I hate to admit
Though we're complete opposites
I find you stunning and fascinating
You're just so goddamn exciting
I get scared when talking about wedding rings
You can't stay still and hate routine
In your world the grass is always green
Spontaneity is your idea of fun
Mine is the same being in seat 21
There's a fire that's been lit
And I'll embrace my inner free spirit
for you

You're a firecracker
and I'm often called a slacker
You think sleep gets in the way of living life
Yet I could see this woman as my wife
Always up for trying something new
All those traits look attractive on you
It's just the right amount of personality
Though you go to far too many parties
I get tired just thinking of your plans
But you make me wanna be an actual man
Not a sweat when taking connecting flights
And you're always claiming you're right
I may be wrong I may be off base
You'd believe it all too if you saw that face

Here are some facts I hate to admit
Though we're complete opposites
I find you stunning and fascinating
You're just so goddamn exciting
I get scared when talking about wedding rings
You can't stay still and hate routine
In your world the grass is always green
Spontaneity is your idea of fun
Mine is the same being in seat 21
There's a fire that's been lit
And I'll embrace my inner free spirit
for you

We'd be nothing less than a love fest
and when the storm hits hardest
You can bet it all that I'll be there

Here are some facts I hate to admit
Though we're complete opposites
I find you stunning and fascinating
You're just so goddamn exciting
I get scared when talking about wedding rings
You can't stay still and hate routine
In your world the grass is always green
Spontaneity is your idea of fun
Mine is the same being in seat 21
There's a fire that's been lit
And I'll embrace my inner free spirit
for you

ADDITIONAL INFO: This one is pretty straight forward. It's about a girl that turns your world upside down. She goes against the grain and changes her mind in nano seconds, like most girls. Ha. But it's really about idealizing a girl who doesn't care about structure or opinions or society. I've never really dated someone with these EXACT qualities but I certainly wanted to, and maybe I still do. There's something exciting, even if you don't truly want to leave it all behind, about leaving it all behind. I'm the total opposite of this idea, but that's why it's fun to indulge an idea such as this. I notice that most opposites do attract, until the ONE small thing that truly conflicts with the other person. And I even discuss that in another poem about someone hating you for the same reasons they love you. That's just the way it usually goes. And that's why break ups are more about time wearing two people out than just personality difference. You knew that person was a certain way before, but it's easier to 'put up' with in the beginning.

Dear John

I don't know what led you down this path
I don't know why the world lacked your beautiful laugh
All I can do is guess that you endured unthinkable pain
I do know how life's obstacles can drive the strong insane
People say to stick it out, It gets better
Even if your heart feels it's been through a shredder
Maybe that would have held true for you
I wish we would've seen that day
I don't know what else to say
You didn't know how many hearts you touched
just from being yourself We miss you so much
To our family the world is what you meant
My life has been forever changed due to your presence

A kinder man than I could ever be
Always thoughtful and selfless to me
Not talking to you more often I'll always regret
But I'm grateful for the day we did met
The dinner on New Years Eve
At midnight we played House of Pain I believe
You and your kids coming over for Christmas
They're so beautiful and are growing so fast
These memories will forever last
I'll always hold that baseball close to my heart
Seeing our Grandmother so sad tears me apart
Please find the peace you couldn't find here
Dear
John
We love you

ADDITIONAL INFO: Dedicated to John DeJesus. We miss you everyday...

------------------

Thank you so much for reading my collection of writings. I'm grateful that you did and hope you enjoyed it.

Love you,
Jaime DeJesus